Skipping

 Before I had a gym membership or ran on a regular basis I used to skip (or jump rope) in my parents garage. I think I started doing this when I was 14 or 15. As with many things in my life it became a bit of an obsession. I would come home from school and immediately go out to the garage and skip for sometimes an hour at a time. 

Once I went to university the skipping was replaced with running and going to the gym. It could be 16 years since I picked up a skipping rope, until today. 

I was chatting to my husband recently about exercise and how I’m keen to try and build some cardio into my day. I’ve been managing to do some strength work and I’m always on the go with the kids but I miss dedicated cardio time. It’s impractical at the moment for me to go for a run or go to the gym with N being as young as she is. He then mentioned skipping and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. 

I immediately ordered a skipping rope and it arrived today. I got my trainers on, went into our garden and skipped for 10 minutes. It was great! It was hard and I wasn’t quite as good as I used to be but I’m sure with time I’ll get better. 

I would love to aim for 10 minutes a day right now. That seems like a manageable goal but with a toddler and baby it can be challenging! 

It never fails to amaze me the affect exercise can have on my mood. I felt so good for the rest of the day after just 10 minutes. I’m excited to see what happens if I can keep this up. 

Unsettled

 Today has been a tough one. N has been really unsettled. I’m not sure what has been wrong. We had a heatwave today so I guess that could have contributed but she really wasn’t in the sun at all and has just had a vest on to keep her cool. Her brother has had a fever and cough over the last few days so I’m really hoping she hasn’t caught that but it’s highly likely! 

I’ve generally been feeling a bit down today and struggling with things which hasn’t helped. I spoke to my husband about it though and I do feel better after saying how I feel. He does so much for us around the house and especially with our toddler. I do most of the “newborn stuff”. I’ve been feeling a bit “touched out” though today and like I’m struggling with doing all the overnight feeds. (I’m breastfeeding so this is my choice). However, I think we have got into the habit of assuming I will always tend to our youngest. I don’t want to do any less, I absolutely adore her, but I think I’m looking for a little more acknowledgement of what I’m handling and also for some more help particularly on the days our eldest is at nursery and we are both around. He took this on board and we had a good discussion. I think he’s feeling stressed because he often can’t settle our youngest at the moment and so it was good to have an open discussion about this and understand how we both feel. I think it’s important for me to remember that we are both handling things and we are both working hard and tired. At the end of the day we are a good team and work through things really well together. I’m so grateful for that. I’m so lucky we can easily tell each other how we feel and have a calm conversation about it. That’s not what I witnessed at home when I was a child and I’m really grateful we can set a good example for our kids. 

After our discussion we managed to enjoy the lovely weather and get a few things done around the house. The evening ended up quite chaotic because N was so unsettled. She’s finally sleeping in my arms as I type this and I’m honestly not sure when I’ll be brave enough to try and change position or put her down. I find it really difficult to cosleep, it just doesn’t work for us so I’ll be sat up for a while before I attempt a transfer. It’s already 0040 so I know I’m going to be struggling tomorrow. I’m mostly just glad she is calm and no longer upset. It breaks my heart so see her so upset like that. 

Fingers crossed that’s the worst of it over for now. 

When weight loss is no longer the goal everything falls into place

 I have been thinking a lot recently about how my relationship with food and my body has changed and the possible reasons for this. I have had a slightly complex relationship with food and body image in the past. Thankfully I feel in a much better place now and I’ve been reflecting on why that might be the case. 

I never learned how to cook as a child. I learned how to microwave food or heat up a pasta sauce from a jar. There were a few things that were made from scratch in our house. Steak pie, macaroni cheese, roast beef, and a tagliatelle pasta dish. The tagliatelle pasta sauce consisted of one tin of Campbells condensed tomato soup and one of mushroom soup mixed together. When I think about that now it makes me feel a little queasy but I loved it at the time. 

Sometimes my dad would be a bit adventurous and chop up an onion to add to a shop-bought sauce but generally I don’t remember chopping veg and making proper food. 

I vividly remember what used to be in my packed lunch box at school. A sandwich made with Warburtons white bread, butter and slices of Bernard Matthews Turkey. A packet of Safeways salt and vinegar crisps and either a Kit Kat or blue riband chocolate bar. No fruit or veg in sight. 

When I went to high school I took a bit more ownership over what I was eating. I was a teenager when magazines such as Closer and Heat would publish pictures of celebrities bodies (predominantly female bodies) and shame them. I took note of this and decided I was “fat”. I started to be more body conscious and restrict what I was eating. This definitely became an obsession for me but that’s not for this post. 

During this time I started to make salads and eat fruit but I didn’t really know what I was doing and I didn’t know how to fuel my body properly. 

Fast forward a quite few years and I finally moved out after university when I got my first job. This is when I started to learn how to cook and I have to credit slimming world for this. Slimming World has many flaws but I actually think it wasn’t a bad place for me to start my cooking journey. I bought the magazines to get the recipes and I loved the transformation stories. All of a sudden I could easily make a base sauce for pasta or a curry with chopped tomatoes, peppers and spices. It was so easy! I couldn’t believe I had never seen this done at home. 

For years I’ve focussed on calories rather than nutrition. Foods have been categorised as “good” and “bad” based upon how many calories they have. It is hard to break that cycle after being so entrenched in this culture. 

My life has revolved around being “on” or “off” a diet. There was never a place for normal eating and fueling my body properly. 

Over the last few years however, I have noticed a real shift. I don’t count calories, I don’t binge and restrict, I don’t find it hard to eat foods I would class as “good” or “healthy” whereas previously these foods made me feel deprived at times. Equally I don’t often feel guilt when I eat foods I would have categorised as “bad”.

What has changed? 

I think my whole perspective has shifted. 

My focus used to be on weighing the least I possibly could. Now my focus is on health. Since becoming a mum my health has been such a priority for me (and at times a source of anxiety). I want to be as healthy as I possibly can be for my children. My availability has also changed. I no longer have time to agonise over calories. I need to be able to eat nutritious foods and fuel my body in an efficient way. Counting calories and tracking everything is just not how I want to spend my time. I appreciate if you have a specific fitness goal this may be necessary but it’s just not my focus right now. 

I started listening to the Zoe Science and Nutrition podcast whilst on my first maternity leave. It’s full of evidence based advice which I love. I have learned a phenomenal amount from the podcast about nutrition. Since listening to this podcast and getting the “Food for Life” recipe book by Tim Spector I have transformed my diet once again. I can honestly say that this time I haven’t looked back. I’m not “on a diet”. I just choose nutritious foods. I’m also not perfect but I don’t have to be. I can make conscious choices. I now eat a lot of nuts, seeds, fruit/veg, yoghurt, lentils, beans, tofu, dark chocolate, matcha tea and even fermented foods. I started making my own kombucha which has been quite a hit in our house. I do also have UPF foods, takeaways, alcohol etc but these things make up much less of my diet than they used to and to be honest I don’t often want them. Since learning a lot about my gut microbiome and the health benefits of the foods listed above I genuinely enjoy my diet so much more. 

I’m also eating a lot less meat. I mentioned this to my husband recently. We used to have meat free Mondays and I’d make a quorn pasta sauce or something similar for dinner. We felt deprived when we did this. Since getting some good cook books like the “food for life” book and “quick wins” by Ella Mills I honestly don’t miss meat. I realised this week I had gone for several days without any meat and I hadn’t noticed. It wasn’t a conscious decision to avoid it. I just picked a few recipes from the above books and that was that. 

My life and worth is no longer controlled by the number on the scale. My focus is on health span, wellness and being there for my children. I want to set an example for them and ensure they grow up with the ability to cook and build nutritious meals. 

It feels so freeing to step off the “yo-yo diet” conveyor belt and finally take care of my body. 

Finding our Rhythm

 I had such a lovely day with the two kids today. N is now 11 weeks and I feel like we are finally finding a rhythm on solo parenting days. It is still challenging but we are working it out together. 

Today we tried a new toddler class and I was able to bring N along in the baby carrier. The baby carrier is such a life saver but I still don’t feel fully able to help C if he falls or needs a cuddle etc so there are some drawbacks. The class was very supportive and accommodating. It can be quite daunting going out with both of them at the moment but I love it when we find somewhere that completely “gets it”. 

C wasn’t feeling great in the afternoon so we all just chilled around the house and made sure he got a good nap. Somehow both of them slept at the same time so I was able to finish a cup of tea while it was still hot! Unheard of! 

My parents came round to drop something off. It has felt a bit strained with them recently. Today felt a little easier but I’m still finding it difficult to accept that my feelings have been completely ignored. I’m having to just bite my tongue and move on at the moment. Maybe it’s for the best but I once again feel like I’m having to accommodate my mums emotions when actually I’m not really ready to be in their company. It is feeling easier each time though so I suppose that is a positive. 

I’m very much looking forward to my husband being around this weekend and sharing the parenting. We can hopefully have some nice family times together. 

Struggling

I’m struggling today with the situation with my mum. I feel like a recent disagreement has been completely blown out of proportion. This is the reason why I hardly ever make a stand against her. Recently I learned that I am not responsible for her emotions and this is why I’ve chosen to speak up on this occasion. It has led to a lot of stress and I really question whether it was worth it. I feel caught in the middle and that her company is being forced upon me when I’m really not ready to see her. Why do I need to feel uncomfortable in my own home? I should be able to choose when people come over. She was here today and now I’m feeling the pressure to invite them tomorrow when I really don’t want to. 

I’m really not sure why the best course of action is. I think I’ll sleep on it and not reply to the message tonight. 

Workout Diary

Today's workout was Upper Body and Core from the Sweat app. 

It consisted of 2 rounds of 2 circuits of body weight and resistance band exercises. I also added in 2 sets of body weight lunges at the end. The total workout time was 15 minutes. 

I feel good for doing a short work out like that. It feels nice to move my body and I am starting to find the exercises more challenging as the weeks pass which I am enjoying.

Thoughts for Today

I'm feeling a little better about life today. Yesterday I felt quite down and like I hadn't achieved very much. It's amazing what a shower can do for the soul. I also booked a baby sensory class for the afternoon and having something to build my day around really helps me mentally. 

I was also a little stressed yesterday with everything that is happening in the coming weeks and trying to plan things. Maternity leave this time is absolutely flying by and that makes me a little anxious too, especially because this is likely to be my last maternity leave. 

The baby sensory class went well and it was really nice to do some baby focussed. N is just not enjoying the car seats whatsoever and that makes things a bit stressful. I honestly feel awful when she’s crying in the seat and I’m driving. 

My thoughts are a bit consumed by a few things thought at the moment. I’ve recently realised that my mum displays some covert narcissistic traits and honestly I’m not sure how to move forward with this. I’ve known for a while that she is emotionally immature but recently I’ve discovered more traits and it’s all coming together. I look back at my life so far and realise that she has controlled so much of it and I have ended up trying to manage her emotions. There is so much more to say on this and I don’t really know where to start. 

One thing that is playing on my mind a lot is where we live. My husband and I are from different areas. I met him when I moved away for a training job. My mum guilted me into moving back and he moved with me. There are lots of advantages about living where we do but honestly I think I was happier when I lived in our previous location. We have been thinking about moving from our current house for a while but now I’m wondering if a much bigger move is warranted. I found a journal entry from a couple of years ago which mentioned I was starting to have thoughts of missing our previous home. I’m still having these feelings and now I think it’s compounded by the fact I’ve had these realisations about my mum. I’m finding it hard to make a decision and know what I want. I want to be able to make a decision without feeling guilty but I also don’t want to make a decision to spite her. I’m doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts to try and work my way through all of this but it’s a lot and it’s getting me down. 

I could write so much about my relationship with my mum but it needs a bit more thought. What I’ve noticed however is that I struggle a lot with our relationship in the immediate post partum period. I think it brings up a lot about my own childhood and has made me see things differently. I think I also realise that I’m craving closeness with her that we just don’t have. I wish we could connect on a deeper level but I don’t think we ever will and unfortunately a lot of resentment has built up. 

All of this feeds into a feeling of loneliness in my current situation. Thankfully one of my friends has also just had a new baby and hopefully soon we can do some things together. After those initial few weeks, suddenly the visitors stop and the partners go back to work and life goes on. I’m often doing a lot of solo parenting with both kids which I love but can also be lonely on the tough days. I wish I could rely on my mum a bit more. I’m so grateful for my sister. She is a big source of support. 

I think this has entry consists of a slightly random collection of thoughts. There is a lot going on in my head at the moment and one of the many reasons why I decided to start this blog. 

10 Weeks Post Partum

It’s Monday and I’m now 10 weeks post partum. Monday is my day at the moment to catch up with things and also have a little down time focussing on my baby girl. My eldest currently goes to nursery 3 days a week and is at home with me the other 4. I love my time with him but it is also busy! 

The first 10 weeks have been full of ups and downs. I’ve definitely coped better this time around. I think having a little knowledge of what to expect goes a long way. I also think that we had already adjusted to a life with children and so it didn’t feel like everything had changed this time. I’ve also been a lot more patient because I know that in time I will be able to do things again like go for a run or a solo dog walk. I absolutely love my kids with everything I have but I do also like a little “me time”. Although it’s still hard, I have the knowledge I will get there and I don’t need to rush. I still need to give myself a talking to now and again and remind myself to be patient! 

I’ve started to do very short workouts at home. I’m following a post partum plan on the Sweat App and adding in some light dumbbell work. I don’t have a lot of time at the moment but manage 15/20 mins on the days my eldest is at nursery. I put N in the playgym and then I do my exercises next to her. Sometimes I don’t make it through a full workout without her needing something and other times I do. I’m learning to be flexible. 

Today has been one of those days where I really want to be super productive but feeds and contact naps are taking priority. I have to be honest and say I struggle a bit with not being productive. I’m managing better than the first time but I do feel down sometimes when I feel I haven’t achieved much. I totally know that this is a slightly toxic way of thinking and something that my upbringing has instilled in me. Every day I’m trying to learn and be kind to myself and enjoy these moments but there is still a voice in my head that says “what have you achieved? What is your purpose?”. 

I’m finding Instagram quite toxic at the moment because I think it’s quite polarised at times in terms of motherhood. Either you need to be totally ok with slowing down and embracing every aspect of motherhood or you need to be 100% “on it” with every aspect of your life. I’m neither. I’m somewhere in the middle I guess or maybe not even. I’m breastfeeding and doing a lot of baby wearing but I also really really appreciate some baby free time and some sort of structure to my day. Finding a balance in all this is difficult. I also know that I want to remember every moment and take it all in but there’s so much pressure to do this that I think you can run the risk of missing it. Learning to just….be…and not compare yourself to  really is the secret.