I'm feeling a little better about life today. Yesterday I felt quite down and like I hadn't achieved very much. It's amazing what a shower can do for the soul. I also booked a baby sensory class for the afternoon and having something to build my day around really helps me mentally.
I was also a little stressed yesterday with everything that is happening in the coming weeks and trying to plan things. Maternity leave this time is absolutely flying by and that makes me a little anxious too, especially because this is likely to be my last maternity leave.
The baby sensory class went well and it was really nice to do some baby focussed. N is just not enjoying the car seats whatsoever and that makes things a bit stressful. I honestly feel awful when she’s crying in the seat and I’m driving.
My thoughts are a bit consumed by a few things thought at the moment. I’ve recently realised that my mum displays some covert narcissistic traits and honestly I’m not sure how to move forward with this. I’ve known for a while that she is emotionally immature but recently I’ve discovered more traits and it’s all coming together. I look back at my life so far and realise that she has controlled so much of it and I have ended up trying to manage her emotions. There is so much more to say on this and I don’t really know where to start.
One thing that is playing on my mind a lot is where we live. My husband and I are from different areas. I met him when I moved away for a training job. My mum guilted me into moving back and he moved with me. There are lots of advantages about living where we do but honestly I think I was happier when I lived in our previous location. We have been thinking about moving from our current house for a while but now I’m wondering if a much bigger move is warranted. I found a journal entry from a couple of years ago which mentioned I was starting to have thoughts of missing our previous home. I’m still having these feelings and now I think it’s compounded by the fact I’ve had these realisations about my mum. I’m finding it hard to make a decision and know what I want. I want to be able to make a decision without feeling guilty but I also don’t want to make a decision to spite her. I’m doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts to try and work my way through all of this but it’s a lot and it’s getting me down.
I could write so much about my relationship with my mum but it needs a bit more thought. What I’ve noticed however is that I struggle a lot with our relationship in the immediate post partum period. I think it brings up a lot about my own childhood and has made me see things differently. I think I also realise that I’m craving closeness with her that we just don’t have. I wish we could connect on a deeper level but I don’t think we ever will and unfortunately a lot of resentment has built up.
All of this feeds into a feeling of loneliness in my current situation. Thankfully one of my friends has also just had a new baby and hopefully soon we can do some things together. After those initial few weeks, suddenly the visitors stop and the partners go back to work and life goes on. I’m often doing a lot of solo parenting with both kids which I love but can also be lonely on the tough days. I wish I could rely on my mum a bit more. I’m so grateful for my sister. She is a big source of support.
I think this has entry consists of a slightly random collection of thoughts. There is a lot going on in my head at the moment and one of the many reasons why I decided to start this blog.
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