Stormy

 Today has been so much better. I did feel quite tense all day, worrying that things would eventually spiral at bedtime but they didn’t and I’m honestly so grateful. 

It’s still pretty hot here but there was a storm and the heat has eased off a little. C wakened very early which is quite uncharacteristic. I could tell he was tired all morning but he did so well. We went to a toddler group and then he had a short nap in the car. I think that really helped him. We then met my sister and nephew at a play area. The boys had a brilliant time but we got caught in a rain storm which in the end was quite funny. 

I made it a priority today to talk to C about bedtime. I wondered if separation anxiety was a problem since his sister was born. He gets so upset when we have to say goodnight whereas before he was so content at bedtime. I reassured him that I would check on him and that I had the monitor etc. 

My husband is away now for the weekend so it was a solo bedtime tonight. I got so lucky because my youngest had a nap and it meant I could give C my full attention. We had some lovely quiet play in his room and then red a story. I reassured him again that I would check on him and I left his star projector on a timer tonight so that he could watch the stars in his bed. He was content and happy and tired. So far there have been no peeps but I don’t want to count my chickens just yet. 

My diet today hasn’t been great. If I’m not prepared for solo parenting days (which I’m not) then I find that beyond breakfast things are not great nutrition wise. It all becomes quite snacky and there are lots of caffeinated beverages throughout the day. I haven’t managed to do any exercise either but I’ve been on my feet non stop. I didn’t expect or plan to do any formal exercise anyway. 

I’m not expecting that bedtime will continue as it did tonight but I am so grateful for how tonight went after last nights experience. I think we all needed one good one. 

Heatwave

 Wow. Today was hard. 

I honestly don’t know how it all happened but the day very quickly spiralled out of control. The heat probably didn’t help either. 

We got up as normal and my husband went to work. Normally we got to a toddler playgroup on a Thursday morning. Today would have been the last session before the summer break but it became apparent we were not making it. My youngest would not settle to sleep no matter what I tried. She ended up quite upset. C watched more TV than I would have liked whilst I tried to settle her. I eventually abandoned the nap and tried to get on with the day. It was so hot though that I felt I couldn’t put her in the baby carrier. I felt she would overheat (I did eventually put her in it later in the day). 

The morning wore on and I could feel that everything was becoming a battle with my toddler. His naptime arrived and I hoped this would be a good point to reset. How wrong I was. He didn’t settle for his nap either. I know I’m not the first and I definitely won’t be the last but it’s so hard trying to settle a 2.5 year old whilst you have a 3 month old. The nap never happened and I think he really needed it. He is in the process of dropping his nap but I think he can still benefit from 30-45 mins. We had a bit of downtime but I could sense he was very tired throughout the afternoon and his behaviour understandably deteriorated. There were several meltdowns over things that were obviously a big deal for him but to us seem like something you would do on autopilot. For example, I closed the freezer door but he wanted it to stay open. I couldn’t work out why but he got very upset about this. Meanwhile I was worrying that my breastmilk stores were going to start defrosting! By this point I did have N in the baby carrier and she chose this moment of chaos to fall asleep. I was very grateful! 

Things went from bad to worse and I knew I needed to get him to bed sharp but my husband was still not home from work and N was needing lots of cuddles. Somehow we managed to get bathed and ready for bed. I really thought he was going to go immediately to sleep especially because we had gone up early given he didn’t have a nap. What followed was 2 hours of trying to settle C. I felt so bad for him, he was so distressed. He did finally settle to sleep but I think he was very overtired and that made everything more difficult. He’s now had a wake up and I’m feeding N as I type. My husband is in with him and it sounds like it’s going ok. I am soooooo worried about my husband going away tomorrow. I’m really stressed that both kids seem to be going through something at the moment…. It could be illness brewing or developmental leaps but it feels like both of them have increased needs just now and the timing couldn’t be worse. 

I honestly wish my husband would say he isn’t going to the wedding but I understand that he can’t really do that. Well, he could, but he’s paid for travel, accommodation and it is his cousins wedding afterall. 

I feel a bit of a failure sometimes when I feel like I can’t cope. I can feel the anxiety building up and it probably makes everyone tense including the kids. I just want to be there for them and make them feel safe and loved when they are having their own struggles. It can be so hard with a toddler though when they don’t understand that something isn’t safe or practical e.g leaving the freezer door open! 

I’m going to try and get some rest now. I’m not sure how much I’ll get over the next few nights. 

Midweek Check In

 It’s a heatwave where we are today so I’ve mostly been about the house keeping baby and dog nice and cool. I got out first thing and did some mobility exercises and 10 minutes of skipping. I took a break from skipping altogether for a few weeks to give my knees time to recover (we were also away for a week during that time. My knees definitely feel a lot better. In fact I’ve done some skipping 2 days in a row and they feel fine. My homemade "rehab programme" seems to be helping. For the next 4 days though i've got both kids on my own so i'm unlikely to fit in any exercises but to be honest I think that's a good thing. I think it will force me to give my knees the rest they probably need even although they feel ok.

We were away for 4 days last week and I needed to catch up with myself this week. There was so much washing and housework to do. It's so hard to get a run at anything. I know lots of people say the housework will still be there when the kids are grown up and I do get that but also I like there to be some sort of order in the house! It makes me feel so much better mentally. 

This week I’ve managed to do mobility exercises each morning, one strength session and 2 skipping sessions. I’m feeling good about that. I’ve also been eating really well. I enjoyed being on holiday but it’s always good to get home and enjoy some home cooking and fresh ingredients. 

Mentally I’ve been struggling a bit though this week. Various things have been stressing me. My toddler has been pushing my buttons at bedtime. I find it so hard when baby is upset and my eldest also needs something. My husband was out so it was a solo bedtime. I’m not sure if I handled it well or not. I felt pretty stressed. I’m feeling anxious because my husband is going to his cousins wedding this weekend. It involves being away Friday to Sunday. He won’t return until after bedtime on Sunday night. I’ve made plans for during the day but it’s the evenings and bedtimes that can get quite tough. I’m really trying to mentally prepare myself. I don’t want to get frustrated or annoyed. I want to be calm and present. I also want to try and relax and embrace the chaos. If it doesn’t go well and bedtime is later etc then I need to accept that it’s ok for that to happen. 

I also feel things with my parents are quite strained and I don’t find them helpful when it comes to the kids. I’m trying not to mention my husband being away too much because sometimes I find my mum immediately thinks she can be here all weekend and honestly I can’t cope with that. It makes things 10 times harder. She mostly wants to come and gossip and tell me about all the family politics between her sisters. She doesn’t really help with the kids at all and they often seem more stressed when she’s around. It’s so difficult to manage it all but I do feel a bit isolated going into this weekend. I really wish I could rely on them a bit more and not feel so stressed by them. 

My goal for the next 4 days is to be kind to myself, relax, enjoy the lovely moments with my kids and ride out the difficult times. 

Holiday Struggles

 We are currently away for a few days. Our first trip as a family of 5 (including the dog). Honestly, it has been quite tiring. I really needed a change of scenery and I’m very grateful to be getting it. We have had some lovely family time together but parenting on holiday is hard.

I know holidays are not what they used to be. It’s different now. Still fun, just different and not really about resting. 

Our eldest has had a week of “big feelings” and acting out. I think he is possibly having a developmental leap. His language seems to have advanced a lot quite quickly. I also think that at home he knows the boundaries and the routine but now we are somewhere different it’s time to test if the rules are different too. We are trying to stick to his routine as much as possible. His grandparents also visited the weekend before we left for this trip and I think that generated a lot of excitement. 

The resort we are in is lovely and caters perfectly for families. I think any trip is difficult with a nearly 3 year old and a 3 month old but I think if the kids were just a little older we could make use of everything this resort has to offer. A few things have disrupted this trip due to our current circumstances. We were placed in a lodge directly across from a lodge that was having renovation work done. This was quite loud and there were lots of vehicles coming and going from the property. Our dog would understandably bark sometimes at this and in a small lodge it can really disrupt daytime naps. There were also various things that we found weren’t working which can all be quite frustrating when you have a toddler pushing your buttons and a baby who needs you hands on 24/7. The staff have been quite helpful and we are now in a different lodge but also arrived to find the TV wasn’t working. I try to be as patient as I can but I know when I’m at my limit when things like this start to bother me. 

Yesterday was quite a stressful day and although it was good to get placed in a different lodge I honestly wonder if the hassle of moving was worth it. I feel like it’s disrupted our holiday quite a bit. 

Today has been a lot better, we’ve taken it pretty easy and I’ve tried to lower my expectations. I miss being able to go for a swim and use the gym/sauna/steam room. I miss having the evening time to rest and recharge. I know all these things come back and I know I don’t want to wish these precious times away but I have found this week fairly challenging. 

I want to keep travelling and making memories with the kids but I will take everything I’ve learned on this trip into consideration for the next. 

Knee Pain

So I’ve continued skipping for 10 minutes or so at home and I’m really enjoying it. It feels great to get outside and have 10 minute to myself. Cardiovascularly I feel I could go longer but I’ve noticed some knee pain which has curtailed things a little. 

I feel a little frustrated because I was so excited about the prospect of being able to get some decent cardio at home. However, I need to remember it’s still early days. N is only 12 weeks and I’m still recovering. 

I’ve been thinking about ways to minimise the pain whilst continuing to exercise. I’m going to try not skipping on consecutive days. I also think I need new shoes. I bought my current pair of running shoes in 2022! The soles are fairly smooth now. I think it would help if I had a little more cushioning. 

I’ve also started skipping on foam gym mats that we have. I’ve definitely noticed an improvement from just doing that. I used to skip for long periods on a concrete garage floor without any after effects.  How times have changed! 

I have already been doing some basic strength exercises. I am going to continue these and focus on the lower body. I’m hoping that this will help to take some pressure off the knees which I’m guessing are working harder than they normally would pre pregnancy. My routine involves some squats, clamshells, glute bridges and lunges. 

Finally, I’ve looked at some supplements to see if there is anything that can help or that may help in the future as I get older. I think the evidence for a lot of these things is quite variable and mostly weak. Ultimately a good diet and strengthening exercises are probably the key to solving this problem. From what I can tell there is most evidence around omega 3 fish oils without much evidence of harm. I’m going to try this in addition to all of the above and see if there is any improvement. 

Skipping

 Before I had a gym membership or ran on a regular basis I used to skip (or jump rope) in my parents garage. I think I started doing this when I was 14 or 15. As with many things in my life it became a bit of an obsession. I would come home from school and immediately go out to the garage and skip for sometimes an hour at a time. 

Once I went to university the skipping was replaced with running and going to the gym. It could be 16 years since I picked up a skipping rope, until today. 

I was chatting to my husband recently about exercise and how I’m keen to try and build some cardio into my day. I’ve been managing to do some strength work and I’m always on the go with the kids but I miss dedicated cardio time. It’s impractical at the moment for me to go for a run or go to the gym with N being as young as she is. He then mentioned skipping and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. 

I immediately ordered a skipping rope and it arrived today. I got my trainers on, went into our garden and skipped for 10 minutes. It was great! It was hard and I wasn’t quite as good as I used to be but I’m sure with time I’ll get better. 

I would love to aim for 10 minutes a day right now. That seems like a manageable goal but with a toddler and baby it can be challenging! 

It never fails to amaze me the affect exercise can have on my mood. I felt so good for the rest of the day after just 10 minutes. I’m excited to see what happens if I can keep this up. 

Unsettled

 Today has been a tough one. N has been really unsettled. I’m not sure what has been wrong. We had a heatwave today so I guess that could have contributed but she really wasn’t in the sun at all and has just had a vest on to keep her cool. Her brother has had a fever and cough over the last few days so I’m really hoping she hasn’t caught that but it’s highly likely! 

I’ve generally been feeling a bit down today and struggling with things which hasn’t helped. I spoke to my husband about it though and I do feel better after saying how I feel. He does so much for us around the house and especially with our toddler. I do most of the “newborn stuff”. I’ve been feeling a bit “touched out” though today and like I’m struggling with doing all the overnight feeds. (I’m breastfeeding so this is my choice). However, I think we have got into the habit of assuming I will always tend to our youngest. I don’t want to do any less, I absolutely adore her, but I think I’m looking for a little more acknowledgement of what I’m handling and also for some more help particularly on the days our eldest is at nursery and we are both around. He took this on board and we had a good discussion. I think he’s feeling stressed because he often can’t settle our youngest at the moment and so it was good to have an open discussion about this and understand how we both feel. I think it’s important for me to remember that we are both handling things and we are both working hard and tired. At the end of the day we are a good team and work through things really well together. I’m so grateful for that. I’m so lucky we can easily tell each other how we feel and have a calm conversation about it. That’s not what I witnessed at home when I was a child and I’m really grateful we can set a good example for our kids. 

After our discussion we managed to enjoy the lovely weather and get a few things done around the house. The evening ended up quite chaotic because N was so unsettled. She’s finally sleeping in my arms as I type this and I’m honestly not sure when I’ll be brave enough to try and change position or put her down. I find it really difficult to cosleep, it just doesn’t work for us so I’ll be sat up for a while before I attempt a transfer. It’s already 0040 so I know I’m going to be struggling tomorrow. I’m mostly just glad she is calm and no longer upset. It breaks my heart so see her so upset like that. 

Fingers crossed that’s the worst of it over for now.